There was a time in my life when I felt so trapped that I wanted to give up.  It is hard to explain. My wife and I had made choices to leave our previous lives to live and work in Arnhem Land on a remote Aboriginal community and we had made commitments to be there long enough to have an positive impact.  Living there was very draining and complex, especially if you developed expectations for particular outcomes.  Many support workers in these communities only stay 6 months and most leave by 2 years.  It turned out that after staying about 4 years, we simply did not know what else to do or to be. We became the reliable fixtures that allowed others to move on (..or run for it)  leaving their contributions in our hands. I repeatable started developing exit strategies even from that time, but these disappeared before I could even voice them to a repeating series of new opportunities, and hopes, followed by loss, failures and the desire to see our efforts lead somewhere.  

The arrival of our long awaited first (living) child, brought new hope and energy and desire to see him know the beautiful land and people among who we lived.  But modern parenting is hard and isolating and child raising started to wear on us both physically.  In this context we started to rub against each other and friction built on reactionary behaviours seemed to dominate our lives and lead to painful fights, and unhealthy thought patterns (at least for me).  As I entered into moments of pain, anger, and self hatred, I started to tell myself and my wife that I could not change.  You can imagine how that went down for my wife, when she needed my best not my weakness.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t trying to improve in the areas where my words and reactions hurt her.

It wasn’t that I truly believed that she had to adjust to me, rather than the other way around.  It was that I could not see the way out, the way to improve and change my reactions or my circumstances.  In the end I felt so trapped I wanted to give up.  I’m not talking about suicide, but rather to abandon every good value and hope I carried and collapse into a living slumber of pointless hedonism – pleasure seeking and laziness.  I wanted to give up on my wife, on being a Dad, on trusting in God, on working for others.  I wanted to become Homer Simpson, sit on a coach watch TV and play computer games while the world fell apart around me, until I died. 

When an animal is trapped it will reacts in one of two ways.  It strikes out and throws everything its got against the cage or it gives up on the hope to be wild and free and domesticates. 

That’s how we tend to react too, we fight against those around us or we give in to the flow of the current and do what is easiest, safest, most comfortable.  I could not find a way to give up, probably because in the context I was in even giving up would be a lot of hard work, but also I was not convinced (yet) that my values and love for others was not still somehow important, even though I could not articulate why, I just chose to believe this.  I chose to blindly hope for a way out and just stick at it.  Whatever it was that kept me there, I was not sure but I was left feeling around in a mist for a way to change.  Despite what I said about not being able to change who I was, I wanted to change and I prayed for it and pushed myself more to be better.  I tried but was often pushing into the wrong things and using brute force. I just could not understand how to escape the trap that my mind emotions and circumstance had me in.

How does one start to finding a solution, how do you step out on the journey of change.  I did not know, I had started that journey but didn’t know how to walk it. 

 5 years later my failure to engage the problem to walk toward change lead to depression, anxiety and arthritis.  (This is while raising a family and supporting a Health change movement in the Aboriginal community.)   I had started to see that somethings were working.  I had conquered a fear of failure.  Dietary changes had a dramatic effect on my Arthritis.  I started to see what was wrong with my thinking.

I discovered lack of trust in the world and in God, I was afraid and expected everything to fall apart around me.  I believed this was happening because I was not capable and because the Divine was not entirely trust worthy.  I mean I trusted God, but I also expected that He would let things fail. (technically I have not yet been proven wrong on this point, but God has also won a number of debates with my heart, which is another story).

I was now looking for a way to shift in my attitudes and core narratives.  It turned out that I had to finish my health journey first and see my entire life collapse around me (also another story)

 

before I could focus on these matters, but I had beaten the anxiety and found the tools to walk on through the heart shattering experience that faced me.  3 years earlier my wife leaving would have seemed the like final closing of the trap into solitary confinement.  But now the completion of my failures was like some kind of macabre enlightenment, that allowed me to walk on into a sudden and rapid personal development and the change I had been seeking. 

I am going to tell you what I discovered on this journey, what I did not understand from inside the prison of my own life and psycho-pathology.  And it is going to be obvious, perhaps even like…”Only an idiot would not do that.”  But I think it might be that case that most of the time we are all idiots who don’t do the damned obvious because we are focused on the wrong things.  What I discovered I found most clearly in the words of Jesus Christ in Mathew7:7 of the bible:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.  For whoever asks receives, and the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

This verse is often quoted by Christians as if Jesus is talking about being “Saved”, like ask Jesus to come into your heart etc.   This is not what I am talking about.

Jesus is being very practical and teaching us how to be in the world in a way that brings the Kingdom of God into one’s life, which is proven in the manifestation of peace and kindness and love.  He has just finished talking about how we should see the world and others, and how to be generous in our attitude.  And now he says in the context of having a generous heart that looks away from worry and judgementalism – pursue solutions in your life and the world.  I think it is helpful to understand this saying with a parable that continues the metaphor he uses.

 There was a man who while living at home heard tell of a dear friend of his.  Now he had not seen or heard from that friend for many years and had lost all hope of seeing them again. The man hoped that the rumor was true and that he might be reunited, but knew not were his friend might live or how he might find him.  So he stepped out his doors walked down the eastern road, not knowing his way.  After a while he saw an old man by the side of the road.  He stopped and thought to himself, perhaps this is a wise man.  He turned off the road to speak to the old man,  “I know not where or how to look for my friend,”  He said. 

“Yes you do,” Said the wise old man,  “You have already started.  Continue down the road until you meet the postman, you must ask him.”

So the man went on unit near dusk he saw a postman to whom he spoke.  The postman said “I know  not of your friend, but you must seek the Postman General at the Postal Office, it is in the next town down the western road.  Persuade him to find for you the name of the towns where your friend’s surname is used to address mail” 

Now in a dark mood the man journeyed back home before going on to the next town westward.  Upon finding the mail house, it took the man much effort and not a little financial encouragement, to get the General to find the towns where the surname of his friend was in use. 

Going to each town in turn, he sought out the homes of those going by his friend’s family name until finally he heard news of his friend and the hope for restoration was rekindled.  Going to the house he knocked on the door where his friend lived.  But there was no answer, so he knocked again, and then he knocked louder.  Then he kicked that ruddy door down to find his friend listening to grunge through a pair of headphones so as not to disturb the neighbours.  The man was filled with joy (and they fixed the door and started a grunge band together)

When you find yourself lost, trapped or unable to change something in your life, or in a relationship, here is what to do:

  1. ASK Specific questions.  Start by going and asking. I believe the more specific you can be with your question the more helpful the answer will be.  But if you do not know where to start, ask just that , “Where do I start?”   You will be pointed toward something that may of may not be right for you.  Ask again.  Do this in both your prayer and meditation. And in everyday life through people, and every resource available to you.  Yes, google it, but don’t stop there.
  2. SEEK and learn solutions. Now you must search, learn, keep asking and looking into the problems till your finds some solutions.  You are digging for the treasure that will work for you.  This might be as simple as buying (and reading) the book that someone suggested to you.  Or going to see that person who has been through something similar. Or taking the time to think logically through the implications or what you have heard.
  3. KNOCK means to take action.  Once you find a solution, knock. Doors you knock on do not open by themselves.  Don’t expect to ever get a miracle without putting in an effort.  Action is needed to turn a solution into a reality in your life.  In my experience you have to knock more than once to find the thing that works and once you find it keep doing it until it has achieve its goal before you move on.  Or add it to your handbag (or toolbox) of things you will keep as part of your life or routine to keep you improving.  Too often we work on something and it does not work straight away so we move on before we have really tested that solution.  We have a little success and then go back home closing the door behind us. 

Perhaps you can learn from my mistakes.

I asked but did not pursue the solutions hard enough.  I needed to take the time and space to look into the issues we were facing.  Now with kids and work and all the mess of life, It can be impossible to get space.  But if you are feeling trapped do whatever you can to stop, go out your door, get out of your mess for just a little while,  so you can ask and seek.  No so you can have a relax.  You may need a holiday, take it, but to pursue the solutions not for leisure.

I did not ask very well.  I had trouble finding a practice that meant I knew what I was asking for.  This was the case when I prayed, although I prayed all the time I was never sure what or if I had really asked so I was not expecting and looking out for (seeking ) an answer.  I missed the signs given in answer too often.  Also with God and people we need to stop and formulate specific questions.  If we do not do this our questions come out as reactions to life or to others actions.  These reactive questions end up being not the ones we need to ask, but emotionally driven questions that are likely to distract, offend, and create argument. Be deliberate about asking and making the time to ask in an appropriate setting.  Don’t let life get in the way of deliberate conversations.

Don’t delay getting started.  Knocking I do do well once I know what I am going to try.  But it is easy not to start trying.  We need to be deliberate about setting our will towards an action.  I have had the tendency to say something to myself like, “yeah that might be a good thing to do.”  Or even “we should do that.”  Instead our intention should be firm. “I will do this,” nothing less.  And then make a plan of how you will start.

A certain will power is involved in getting ups and taking action.  I have learnt that that will power should be driven by a decision and an intention. Like when you stand at a door there is always a hesitation and this is where you use some brute force to push through it and hit that door.  You can create this consciously if you will try.  If you do not set your determination at the level of “I will”.  You will be drive by the motivation of others, circumstance or worse, fear and guilt.  This will make you despise and resent action and lead to laziness.

So when you feel trapped or your lost, not knowing how to change things.  ASK, SEEK and then KNOCK. It might seem obvious, but when your default is set to  fight or give up, you may find that implementing such a basic strategy is exactly what will save you in the end.

As always find joy in the journey!